jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
