I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
