dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
