K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
