I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
