If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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