Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
