So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
