i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
