just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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