I wish my penis had an off switch
i just had sex bonerless
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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