so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
