Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
