i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
