My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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