I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
