I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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