Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
