god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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