So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
