Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's rum buckets o'clock
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
