Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
