so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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