you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
