If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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