She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
