I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
