I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
