she woke up with a sticky ear
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
