i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
