she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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