remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
