we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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