well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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