And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
