He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
