So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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