Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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