I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
