it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
