mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
