The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Oh god it's open bar.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
