woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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