My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
