She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
