I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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