4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
