It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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