I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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