My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
