Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
