she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
