Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
