I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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