I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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